Tracy (nevrakis)

Username: lit-on-fire (Her Man Beast)

What was liked about your story: The story hardly has any grammatical mistakes and after reading the first three chapters I feel it heads towards a strong story line.

What wasn't liked about it (something you could work on): First that its on hold, the story as stated easily pulls the attention of the reader so I feel it should be updated soon and second there are minor punctuation mistakes and capitalization mistakes.

Plot Cohesion

Does the plot make sense? Yes

Were the chapters eventful and full of information?

The chapters were eventful and stuffed with just enough information. The writer did a good job in not putting overdoing or under-doing the information part.

Setting

Did you know where the scenes were taking place at all times?

Yes though in the first chapter it takes a bit of time to get hold of it

Vivid Description

Did you feel as if the scene was coming to life? Totally

Were the five senses involved? If yes, how?

Yes, for example in the scene where the main character meets her mates the visual descriptions easily helps you imagine the man in front of her and also every other sensation does come to life.There story is very easy to dive into.

Characters

Did the characters feel important?

Mostly yes

Could you distinguish the difference between the characters? If no, why not?

Mostly yes, but i feel the first chapter where there is the mention of the mother and boss it could have been clearer.

Was there a clear antagonist and protagonist?

Protagonist maybe and since only four chapters are written I am not very sure of the antagonist

Dialogue

Was all of the dialogue necessary, or did it seem as if they were just trying to fill up the page? Most place they were but some could be deleted

Was the dialogue easy to follow? If no, why? Yes

Did the dialogue give you any insight to anything in the story? (i.e: thoughts, personal feelings, foreshadowing)

Yes

Grammar & Organization

Were there a lot of errors/mistakes? If yes, please specify your answer. No

Were the chapters hard, or easy to read? If hard, please specify your answer. The chapters weren't very easy but at the same time it wasn't something hard.

Was there enough punctuation, and was it used correctly? If no, please specify your answer.

I feel some places, punctuation and capitalization were missed

Were there words used in the incorrect context? If yes, please elaborate to the best of your ability. No

Your punctuation rated between 1-10?

6.5

Your grammar rated between 1-10? 8.5

Your vocabulary rated between 1-10?

6

Your Partner's Personal Critique:

N/A

Recommendation:

I feel it is a mixture of yes and no. Yes because this is the first human luna story I have read where the luna is already interested in wolves but no because I feel there are already a lot of human luna stories. I would like to mention the yes is a 80 percent and a 20 percent no but it might change as and when the writer updates the story further.

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Username: EleenaBanerjee (The Abandoned Alpha)

What was liked about your story: It's fast paced and light humoured

What wasn't liked about it (something you could work on):

• The constant change of POV within chapter.

• Super long paragraphs.

• Short chapter.

• Little description.

Plot Cohesion

Does the plot make sense?

I'm not sure yet

Were the chapters eventful and full of information?

A little

Setting

Did you know where the scenes were taking place at all times?

Yes

Vivid Description

Did you feel as if the scene was coming to life?

A little

Were the five senses involved? If yes, how?

Not really

Characters

Did the characters feel important?

Yes

Could you distinguish the difference between the characters? If no, why not?

Yes

Was there a clear antagonist and protagonist?

No

Dialogue

Was all of the dialogue necessary, or did it seem as if they were just trying to fill up the page?

Most of it were necessary.

Was the dialogue easy to follow? If no, why?

Yes

Did the dialogue give you any insight to anything in the story? (i.e: thoughts, personal feelings, foreshadowing)

Not really. Little description.

Grammar & Organization

Were there a lot of errors/mistakes? If yes, please specify your answer.

Yes. Grammatical errors, not enough punctuation.

Were the chapters hard, or easy to read? If hard, please specify your answer.

Easier than hard. I was slightly confused in the beginning.

Was there enough punctuation, and was it used correctly? If no, please specify your answer.

Not really.

Were there words used in the incorrect context? If yes, please elaborate to the best of your ability.

No

Your punctuation rated between 1-10?

5

Your grammar rated between 1-10?

6

Your vocabulary rated between 1-10?

7

Your Partner's Personal Critique:

I think it's nice. I haven't read much of it, just three chapters. At first, I found it slightly confusing because the author kept changing POVs, but after a while I got the hang of it. The regular change of POV made the story seem fast paced, and I really like that about it. Would like to continue though.

PS - there where a few grammatical errors, and there needed to be more separate paragraphs - it's just what I think!

Recommendation:

I would.

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Username: petratack (Academy For Sentinel Wolf)

What was liked about your story: I like the uniqueness of it. Sure, there are a couple stories with the whole academy idea going on but your's seems new and fresh. I also admire the effort you put into writing. I can tell that you have a passion for it. It's nice to see the things you're willing to do to improve so it can be the best it can possibly be.

What wasn't liked about it (something you could work on): There are quite a few things I found awkward and I'll talk about it as the review goes along. Just as long as you look at it as a guideline, not pure criticism. I don't mean to be blunt but there is definitely a lot of room to improve.

Plot Cohesion

Does the plot make sense?

Mostly. I mean, I get what you're trying to convey but all of it is way too fast paced. You need to slow down and explain what's going on. As I was reading, I had to ask myself questions like 'why doesn't she want to be apart of her uncle's pack?'. I was confused about what powers they had, who had them and why. I still don't really know what Sentinels are.

Were the chapters eventful and full of information?

I have to say it like this: they were eventful but not informative. So much was happening but I had no idea what was going on.

Setting

Did you know where the scenes were taking place at all times?

As much as I tried my best to understand where the setting is... they need a lot of work. You need to describe them more. Settings are very important-explain Deleen's surroundings. Is A.F.S.W. built from stone? Brick? Were she and her friends sitting on a bench during break (see how I say break, not 'breaky' which isn't a proper word)? Were there trees around? Other students? Expand those settings as much as you can be. It can help a lot.

Vivid Description

Did you feel as if the scene was coming to life?

No, not really. It didn't seem realistic and like I said before, it was going too fast. First of all, we didn't get a good look at Deleen's life now, just her and her friends eating then going to class then it jumps straight into a flashback. If you'd like, write a prologue where you write about the flashback.

If you want your story to appear more realistic, you need to show, not tell. Don't say 'Who am I? My name is Deleen.', we know her name-it's in the description. And if we don't, then have one of her friend say her name. Don't make it look like a list, show her character. Have something happen that shows us that she kicks ass, not kisses it. We have a whole page about this in the Help Center book on our profile. I'd advise you to check that out when you find the time.

Were the five senses involved? If yes, how?

Again, not really. You missed a lot of opportunities to include them though. Could've said 'the morning air smelled fresh' when she was having breakfast. Could've said she heard birds chirping. Could've explained what her food tasted like. What the bench felt like. 'We were sitting on a bench that was damp from the morning dew.'

You didn't even use sight. I don't know how any of the characters look like and you introduced quite a handful of them.

Characters

Did the characters feel important?

Only Deleen felt important. Maybe Paul too. But I feel any significance towards any of the other characters. Maybe you should work on developing them a lot more.

Could you distinguish the difference between the characters? If no, why not?

Apart from the people with titles like her uncle and the principle, no. I have no idea who Ergon and Lucas are. If you mentioned who they are, then maybe try make it more distinguishable. A lot of writers must keep this in their mind: For every new character, they must get a paragraph explaining who they are.

And as a side note, I can't tell what personality Deleen has. One moment she's fierce, saying she kicks ass and then she's a sweetheart, saying things like 'yes, please'. If she's fierce, make sure it's consistent.

Was there a clear antagonist and protagonist?

No. I know Deleen's a main but it isn't clear in the beginning. Maybe it becomes more clear later in the book.

Dialogue

Was all of the dialogue necessary, or did it seem as if they were just trying to fill up the page?

It was necessary but it wasn't realistic. I couldn't feel the emotion in some of the things they were saying. That's why describing is important. You have to make sure you write so the reader feels the pain the character's going through, especially when she was told her parents were dead. That went too quickly. You could've included memories-explain why she feels the pain of her parents' deaths.

Was the dialogue easy to follow? If no, why?

Mostly. But a lot of it was lost because of where you placed the speech marks. Editing is also important.

Did the dialogue give you any insight to anything in the story? (i.e: thoughts, personal feelings, foreshadowing)

Not really. It was kind of like you were trying to get it all out of the way as soon as possible. Slow down, no need to rush. Your characters need time to vent just like everyone does in real life.

Grammar & Organization

Were there a lot of errors/mistakes? If yes, please specify your answer.

A lot more than I'm comfortable with. You need to watch your spelling as much as you can and also where you put your punctuation. A lot of sentences didn't make sense.

Were the chapters hard, or easy to read? If hard, please specify your answer.

It was hard, if I'm being honest. Your characters are being quoted rather than speaking for themselves way too much. Speeches are being cut into small paragraphs, unnecessarily. And it is all written in bold-that isn't usually how people write but if you like it that way, then no problem. Also, 'chapters' are meant to be apart of the plot. If you want to post an author's note, make sure it says 'A/N', not 'Chapter 2'. If it isn't a chapter, why name it as one, ya know.

Was there enough punctuation, and was it used correctly? If no, please specify your answer.

Punctuation is there but isn't being used right sometimes. I'm sure you like to read books but from now on, try to pay attention to how they use their punctuation to see if you're using it correctly or if you're missing some.

Were there words used in the incorrect context? If yes, please elaborate to the best of your ability.

No, there weren't any but avoid using things like 'lol'. It isn't proper writing, it's more like text language.

Your punctuation rated between 1-10?

4

Your grammar rated between 1-10?

5

Your vocabulary rated between 1-10?

7

Your Partner's Personal Critique:

I think I've said quite a lot so hopefully it helps you, haha.

Recommendation:

I think it's definitely a nice book that people should check out, especially since it's different from the cliched books you usually find in the werewolf genre. I'd advise you to work on it, though.